So I have decided to start blogging again. I found that this is been a very powerful outlet for me. My intention is to post here more than I do on Facebook...but we'll see how that goes. It's a better space where I can share my thoughts in more detail. If you do not like vulnerability and "all the feels"... turn back now!! ...lol. Being vulnerable and walking out my shame has been a place of tremendous healing for me. Yes, it's uncomfortable, but my joy comes from the freedom it has given me and in others saying, me too!! A lot of us are thinking things that nobody is saying, but I feel called to say the things that get left in the dark places. So here goes...
Last week was "Infertility Awareness Week"...and thought that it was a bit ironic that Mother's Day is the week after. I chose to not post anything about it. To me, the word "infertility" holds the same value as a curse word. I never use it to describe what my husband and I have walked through for over 10 years. Doctors have described our condition as infertility, but I refuse to put my identity there. I've never had peace using that word. Some may call that denial, but I call it faith. Even though I have been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and autoimmune hypothyroidism disease, I believe in a God who is bigger than these things.
Some of you may be thinking "Wow, she is really believing God for this!"... And I am, now, but it hasn't always been that way. It is taken a very long road to get to the place that I am at. It has been years of ups and downs, feeling OK one minute and not OK the next. Feeling ashamed because I can't answer the questions of, "So when are you guys going to have a baby?!", "You guys have been married a long time, don't you want children?!". These questions leave me longing for a large rock to hide under. It's also one of the many reasons why I stopped going to church on Mother's Day. It's not that I don't celebrate other women who do have children because I absolutely do, it's just that over the years it's been really hard to not get to be a part of that celebration.
Most pastors' sermons on Mother's Day are about God's gift of children and what a joy it is to be a mother...so for the last few years, I've just stopped going on Mother's Day. Last year changed everything for me. We started going to a church called Quest. My "non Mother's Day church attendance" was still in full effect, but I decided to listen to the Mothers Day message online the next day...I wanted to again prove my point of Mother's Day sermons, except this one changed everything for me. The topic of the sermon was "Choose Joy", spoken by our Pastor, Eugene Cho. We were still pretty new at this point and I thought..."great, this dude is gonna go on and on about the joy of being a mother"...but, for whatever reason (I choose to think it was the Holy Spirit) I still listened to the message. In it, he talked about, yes, celebrating the mother's, but also how this day is hard for some...that it's a day of grieving and mourning for some, BUT that those things do not have the final say! Being present in the moment and enjoying the gifts that God has given us. James 1: 2-4. He expressed it in such a way, that you'll just have to listen for yourself Watch here: "Choose Joy" - Pastor Eugene Cho
In January of this year, we went to visit my husband's grandmother in North Carolina. The minute I stepped foot into her hospital room, she called me over and said "You are going to have a child, and I'm going to pray over you before you leave. As our trip was coming to a close and we were about to leave, she said, "Come here, I'm going to pray for you". I was completely shocked that she had remembered, becuase I had completely forgotten. She called the other family in the room around and put her hand on my stomach, and prayed a prayer that only a grandmother could pray. I felt God's presence like I had never before.
I constantly replay her words over and over in my head. I choose to believe that whatever it may look like, I will be a mother. I am able to celebrate with others in their experience as a mother, but I also choose not to hide how I'm feeling. I have my days...but, it's a daily process of trusting His plan.
There's a quote that I've seen going around that's based from Daniel 1:3...
"...and if not, He is still good".
I know this to be true, but it's one that I'm still processing. I've written it down, over and over and over again. Trying to be at peace with whatever that's going to look like in my life.
And yes, I will be at church on Mother's Day :)