Monday, November 28, 2016

Today's feelings...

...just a few things on my mind this morning. Just by journaling this...I started unpacking my "bag".
My self talk sometimes sounds like, "if you were a real Jesus follower, you wouldn't be having these issues", "why can't you just give it to God?!", "If I were more like so-n-so, I'd have things figured out already."
A lot of it was because of the shaming words that were spoken to me and I in turn made them my own. Some of it is what I think others are expecting from me. 

By unpacking and identifying these things, they lose their power. 

I'm learning to just just come to God, a mess and with my mess. 

That I don't have to solve "ALL THE THINGS"...messes are ok! Someone recently told me that GRACE is for me too. In my head, I thought..of course I know that!.......but do I really? 

It's a word that I hear multiple times a day...and I know it'll be a daily process of understanding and applying it. Daily being ok with my mess. Finding the courage to be vulnerable to grasp the freedom that comes with it. 

Sunday, November 27, 2016

T H A N K S G I V I N G • 2 0 1 6

Thanksgiving this year was met with a lot of mixed emotions...yes, there were many fun moments and memories made, but beyond that...there were feelings of emptiness. 

This was the first thanksgiving without my grandma. I'm always the one in charge of setting the table, and all night long I felt like I was forgetting something. It really wasn't that I was forgetting, but rather that something was missing. I miss her more than words. 

I then thought about the families who are also missing loved ones who were killed because of the color of their authority placed in the wrong hands or cowardly men with misplaced fear. 

My heart was also heavy with what this holiday means for the indigenous people...with everything that is going on in North Dakota it was hard for me to be truly present. I watched video after video, and felt nauseous with each one. I imagined what the people there were experiencing. 

I may not be able to go to Standing Rock, but I do plan on supporting them in other ways. My hope is that you would too. 

To my privileged brothers and sisters...Injustice should make you uncomfortable at the very least. Sit with it, hold it. Don't expect someone else to inform you...educate yourself. Your first response may be defensive...instead, listen to understand. 

#standagainstinjustice #useyourprivilege #beanadvocate

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Why I stopped going to church on Mother's Day...


           So I have decided to start blogging again. I found that this is been a very powerful outlet for me. 
My intention is to post here more than I do on Facebook...but we'll see how that goes. It's a 
better space where I can share my thoughts in more detail.
 If you do not like vulnerability and "all the feels"... turn back now!! Being vulnerable and 
walking out my shame has been a place of tremendous healing for me. Yes, it's uncomfortable, 
but my joy comes from the freedom it has given me and in others saying, me too!! A lot of us are thinking things that nobody is saying, 
but I feel called to say the things that get left in the dark places. 
So here goes... 

            Last week was "Infertility Awareness Week"...and thought that it was a bit ironic that Mother's 
Day is the week after. I chose to not post anything about it. To me, the word  
"infertility" holds the same value as a curse word. I never use it to describe what my husband 
and I have walked through for over 10 years. Doctors have described our condition as infertility, 
but I refuse to put my identity there. I've never had peace using that word. Some may call that 
denial, but I call it faith. Even though I have been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS 
(Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and autoimmune hypothyroidism disease, I believe in a God 
who is bigger than these things. 

           Some of you may be thinking "Wow, she is really believing God for this!"... And I am, now, but it 
hasn't always been that way. It is taken a very long road to get to the place that I am at. It 
has been years of ups and downs, feeling OK one minute and not OK the next. Feeling 
ashamed because I can't answer the questions of, "So when are you guys going to have a 
baby?!", "You guys have been married a long time, don't you want children?!". These questions 
leave me longing for a large rock to hide under. It's also one of the many reasons why I stopped
 going to church on Mother's Day. It's not that I don't celebrate other women who do have 
children because I absolutely do, it's just that over the years it's been really hard to not get to 
be a part of that celebration. 

            Most pastors' sermons on Mother's Day are about God's gift of 
children and what a joy it is to be a for the last few years, I've just stopped going on 
Mother's Day. 
Last year changed everything for me. We started going to a church called Quest. My "non Mother's 
Day church attendance" was still in full effect, but I decided to listen to the Mothers Day 
message online the next day...I wanted to again prove my point of Mother's Day sermons, 
except this one changed everything for me. The topic of the sermon was "Choose Joy", 
spoken by our Pastor, Eugene Cho. We were still pretty new at this point and I 
thought..."great, this dude is gonna go on and on about the joy of being a mother"...but, for 
whatever reason (I choose to think it was the Holy Spirit) I still listened to the message. In 
it, he talked about, yes, celebrating the mother's, but also how this day is hard for some...that it's
 a day of grieving and mourning for some, BUT that those things do not have the final say! Being
 present in the moment and enjoying the gifts that God has given us. James 1: 2-4. He expressed 
it in such a way, that you'll just have to listen for yourself 

Watch here: "Choose Joy" - Pastor Eugene Cho

In January of this year, we went to visit my husband's grandmother in North Carolina. The minute I stepped foot into her hospital room, she called me over and said "You are going to have a child, and I'm going to pray over you before you leave. As our trip was coming to a close and we were about to leave, she said, "Come here, I'm going to pray for you". I was completely shocked that she had remembered, becuase I had completely forgotten. She called the other family in the room around and put her hand on my stomach, and prayed a prayer that only a grandmother could pray. I felt God's presence like I had never before. 

I constantly replay her words over and over in my head. I choose to believe that whatever it may look like, I will be a mother. I am able to celebrate with others in their experience as a mother, but I also choose not to hide how I'm feeling. I have my 
days...but, it's a daily process of trusting His plan. 

There's a quote that I've seen going around that's based from Daniel 1:3...

"...and if not, He is still good"

I know this to be true, but it's one that I'm still processing. I've 
written it down, over and over and over again. Trying to be at peace with whatever that's going 
to look like in my life.

And yes, I will be at church on Mother's Day  :)